Hold up ✋🏽 wait a minute 🚫

Excuse me let me brag a minute on God!!! for about a year now I’ve been STRUGGLING at my job. And I mean STRUGGLE. Don’t get me wrong, I do what I need to do and I’m pretty good at my job. At least so I’ve been told. However, I don’t FEEEL IT! A little background on me. I do stuff from the heart. If it’s not fulfilling to my soul and my spirit I don’t care to do it. Anyways, I found myself in the field that I am in through God! And I say this because I would have not given it a second thought. I had a one-track mind to Clinical Psychology until God gave me a detour. More on that another time. Anyways, my first year in this field, ABA, was good. And for those who don’t know what ABA means it means Applied Behavior Analysis. I do one on one therapy sessions with children on the Autism spectrum. This means I deal with a lot of maladaptive or problematic behaviors that impede learning or everyday task. I deal with things like kicking, screaming, spitting, biting, headbanging, etc on a daily basis. And if you have never dealt with any of this, let me be the first to tell you it can be physically and emotionally exhausting.

Currently, I’m two years in approaching the 3rd and I’ve been completely checked out. I’ve been doing it and doing a good job. But have not been FEELING it! The joy and spark I once had id now gone. My heart has not been in it. And if there is one thing I pride myself on is fulfillment. If my heart is not involved then my passion and drive to do something is non existent. I have lost my sense of purpose and have been on cruise control this entire year. I have been experiencing quite a bit of turbulence but it never occurred to me to pull over and check the engine light of my heart until now. And had I not pull over I would have never realized I was running on E this entire time. Luckily for me, Jesus himself was at my pit stop and gave me a beautiful reminder of just how great and wonderful he is. And no matter how far we drift he is ALWAYS willing to meet us wherever and whenever we need him. Let me explain to you just how he showed up and showed out for me.

I was at work in my office with my morning client. He seems to be having a rough day. He’s been having a bit of a rough time for a couple of weeks now and my supervisor and I have been brainstorming ideas back and forth on how best to handle this. Today out of nowhere my perspective just SHIFTED. Ideas started to flow to me. My anxiety about the situation became so light to the point of nonexistent. I looked out my office window at the sky and allowed the brightness of it to radiate in my soul. And that’s when I realize that I haven’t just checked out in my job. But I checked out in every area of my life.

See, a year ago I started this journey. It’s titled “my year off from God” bold uh? Yeah. And before you start to judge let me just stop you and tell you this. It is MY journey. I had questions and I needed answers. Often times we have doubts and questions and are too afraid to find out. Well, I wanted to really test my faith so I decided to live life a year without totally depending on God and see what would happen. As a result, I prayed less, seldom read my bible and attend church. My relationship with him was not as strong. And life taught me all the lessons it wanted to. Want to know what I found out? That my joy, my happiness, my strength, my resilience, and my peace ALL comes from HIM. I am ABSOLUTELY NOTHING without his grace and mercy. The peace that surpasses all understanding only comes when I’m close to him. And when I am not I am nothing but an ordinary girl. And not a nice one at that. I was grumpy, I was mean and selfish. But with him, I am so much more. I am considerate, gentle, kind, loving, and pleasant to be around.

As I stood in my office. I started to look at my client differently. My mindset instantly shifted from ”listen to me and do as I say” to ”how best can I help you understand?” I was suddenly more patient and understanding. And I remembered the reason I stayed in this field is to help others the way he’s been helping me. To extend the same grace, love, forgiveness, patience, and compassion he was giving me all these years. My gratitude immediately returned. I felt blessed to be able to influence and change the lives of these individuals I came across. I felt like a vessel once again. And that’s when I knew my year off was completed.

Back track to few weeks when I had started praying and reading my Bible. And it was a little under two days ago I woke up with a task. I felt burdened. I got up and I prayed. I prayed for the things that were on my heart at the time. And I also prayed for things I knew not about. That prayer allowed him to fix all the things I never thought to think about like my job, my clients, my ways, my perspective. And that is the kind of God we serve. He answers your desires and then some. So, today I leave you with this. Trust in him with all YOUR heart and lean NOT to your own understanding because at any given time he might stop by with a grand surprise that will leave you in pure bliss.

Master reset

Time. The one thing we can’t seem to get enough of. Yet we never seem to know how to make the most of. Timing, the teaser of it all. It shows up with unexpected things like pain, regret, doubts, and a bunch of what ifs. We never seem to know if we are getting it right or not. We go with the flow as best as we can. Until the flow stops and we are forced to reconsider. To question, to try again. And Dear Ole Time seems to always be the center of it all. Our dreams and life goals are set on a time schedule of when we think we ought to accomplish them. But what when Dear Ole Time says otherwise? Do we scramble around in panic mode? Do we question our worth, our effort, and all our other accomplishments? What if the thing you wanted the most don’t show up when you expected it to? Did Dear Ole Mister Time rob you once more?

The answer is no! Things rarely go accordingly to plan. Life is tricky and it’s constantly changing. As players in this game adaptability will be our greatest friend. We have to learn to let go and stop getting stuck on how we believe things ought to be. We are no master of time, that is not our job. We can set dreams, make goals, and work towards them. But never ever get bent out of shape if they start to change. If the timing is haywire then just try to keep up. Don’t question all you’ve done. You worked extremely hard to get where you are and that was no easy feat. The timing of it all doesn’t seem to pan out accordingly, but that doesn’t mean you have to call it off entirely. Sometimes we just need to take a minute to reset, reevaluate, and reflect on what is to come. Because sometimes Mister Timing has something far more exciting waiting for you. ❤️

Confessions of a single mom

#Him

#Abandoned but not alone

I wonder sometimes if you’re happy with your decision. To just up and leave. I wonder if you think of us. Or at least her. I wonder if you have a conscience at all or is your heart made of stone. Or you blinded by your own selfishness. Or, just too damn cruel to give a shit. I look at our daughter and she’s so much like you. How could you not want to see her after all you’ve said? Maybe they were all lies. Just empty words instead. I think of all the hard times we’ve faced. And how easier it would have been if you stuck around and did your share. But I’m not mad cause this road has taught me some important life lessons. People aren’t always what they say. Life sucks. It’s downright messy. You’re going to fall and fall so damn hard. Sometimes you’ll be down and have no clue how to get up. You’ll try and try and nothing will work. Then one day God will give you a break. You’ll find the strength you didn’t know existed. You’ll be judged, looked down upon. Isolated, feel less than. You’ll have hungry days and lonely nights. Days of the Great Depression. But you’ll also have some unexpected moments of pure bliss. Your kid will surprise you in so many ways. They will love you like you never or expected and it will all make sense. How can you leave us? That I can never answer. But that road my friend is for you alone. I’ve chosen mine and so have you. Mine is tough and yours might be too. Are you happy? No doubt you are. I am too and so is she. And that’s all that truly matters. All the rest is just life lessons and learning experiences. Maybe one day we get to meet up and talk about the different paths we walked. Until then I won’t waste another minute on what ifs.

Love not nails

Sometimes we worry more about our Christian image than we do people. We don’t want to talk to that person because they look, talk, and believe different than you. They don’t dress the same. They may cuss a little. And we act as though we will be unequally yolked if we associate with them. Let me clear something up. Jesus had to be unequally yolked to save us. Don’t you ever forget where you were when the grace found you. Not everyone that needs to hear the word will be found in the church or a bible study meeting. They will be in the club, they will be on the corner. They will cuss. They will look differently and that’s ok. Jesus died for ALL of us. And this doesn’t give us a free pass to go around condemning people and telling them what we think they ought to do and believe. We are called to love them. You let the Holy Spirit do the conviction. Pray, love, carry on.