Excuse me let me brag a minute on God!!! for about a year now I’ve been STRUGGLING at my job. And I mean STRUGGLE. Don’t get me wrong, I do what I need to do and I’m pretty good at my job. At least so I’ve been told. However, I don’t FEEEL IT! A little background on me. I do stuff from the heart. If it’s not fulfilling to my soul and my spirit I don’t care to do it. Anyways, I found myself in the field that I am in through God! And I say this because I would have not given it a second thought. I had a one-track mind to Clinical Psychology until God gave me a detour. More on that another time. Anyways, my first year in this field, ABA, was good. And for those who don’t know what ABA means it means Applied Behavior Analysis. I do one on one therapy sessions with children on the Autism spectrum. This means I deal with a lot of maladaptive or problematic behaviors that impede learning or everyday task. I deal with things like kicking, screaming, spitting, biting, headbanging, etc on a daily basis. And if you have never dealt with any of this, let me be the first to tell you it can be physically and emotionally exhausting.
Currently, I’m two years in approaching the 3rd and I’ve been completely checked out. I’ve been doing it and doing a good job. But have not been FEELING it! The joy and spark I once had id now gone. My heart has not been in it. And if there is one thing I pride myself on is fulfillment. If my heart is not involved then my passion and drive to do something is non existent. I have lost my sense of purpose and have been on cruise control this entire year. I have been experiencing quite a bit of turbulence but it never occurred to me to pull over and check the engine light of my heart until now. And had I not pull over I would have never realized I was running on E this entire time. Luckily for me, Jesus himself was at my pit stop and gave me a beautiful reminder of just how great and wonderful he is. And no matter how far we drift he is ALWAYS willing to meet us wherever and whenever we need him. Let me explain to you just how he showed up and showed out for me.
I was at work in my office with my morning client. He seems to be having a rough day. He’s been having a bit of a rough time for a couple of weeks now and my supervisor and I have been brainstorming ideas back and forth on how best to handle this. Today out of nowhere my perspective just SHIFTED. Ideas started to flow to me. My anxiety about the situation became so light to the point of nonexistent. I looked out my office window at the sky and allowed the brightness of it to radiate in my soul. And that’s when I realize that I haven’t just checked out in my job. But I checked out in every area of my life.
See, a year ago I started this journey. It’s titled “my year off from God” bold uh? Yeah. And before you start to judge let me just stop you and tell you this. It is MY journey. I had questions and I needed answers. Often times we have doubts and questions and are too afraid to find out. Well, I wanted to really test my faith so I decided to live life a year without totally depending on God and see what would happen. As a result, I prayed less, seldom read my bible and attend church. My relationship with him was not as strong. And life taught me all the lessons it wanted to. Want to know what I found out? That my joy, my happiness, my strength, my resilience, and my peace ALL comes from HIM. I am ABSOLUTELY NOTHING without his grace and mercy. The peace that surpasses all understanding only comes when I’m close to him. And when I am not I am nothing but an ordinary girl. And not a nice one at that. I was grumpy, I was mean and selfish. But with him, I am so much more. I am considerate, gentle, kind, loving, and pleasant to be around.
As I stood in my office. I started to look at my client differently. My mindset instantly shifted from ”listen to me and do as I say” to ”how best can I help you understand?” I was suddenly more patient and understanding. And I remembered the reason I stayed in this field is to help others the way he’s been helping me. To extend the same grace, love, forgiveness, patience, and compassion he was giving me all these years. My gratitude immediately returned. I felt blessed to be able to influence and change the lives of these individuals I came across. I felt like a vessel once again. And that’s when I knew my year off was completed.
Back track to few weeks when I had started praying and reading my Bible. And it was a little under two days ago I woke up with a task. I felt burdened. I got up and I prayed. I prayed for the things that were on my heart at the time. And I also prayed for things I knew not about. That prayer allowed him to fix all the things I never thought to think about like my job, my clients, my ways, my perspective. And that is the kind of God we serve. He answers your desires and then some. So, today I leave you with this. Trust in him with all YOUR heart and lean NOT to your own understanding because at any given time he might stop by with a grand surprise that will leave you in pure bliss.
Time. The one thing we can’t seem to get enough of. Yet we never seem to know how to make the most of. Timing, the teaser of it all. It shows up with unexpected things like pain, regret, doubts, and a bunch of what ifs. We never seem to know if we are getting it right or not. We go with the flow as best as we can. Until the flow stops and we are forced to reconsider. To question, to try again. And Dear Ole Time seems to always be the center of it all. Our dreams and life goals are set on a time schedule of when we think we ought to accomplish them. But what when Dear Ole Time says otherwise? Do we scramble around in panic mode? Do we question our worth, our effort, and all our other accomplishments? What if the thing you wanted the most don’t show up when you expected it to? Did Dear Ole Mister Time rob you once more?
The answer is no! Things rarely go accordingly to plan. Life is tricky and it’s constantly changing. As players in this game adaptability will be our greatest friend. We have to learn to let go and stop getting stuck on how we believe things ought to be. We are no master of time, that is not our job. We can set dreams, make goals, and work towards them. But never ever get bent out of shape if they start to change. If the timing is haywire then just try to keep up. Don’t question all you’ve done. You worked extremely hard to get where you are and that was no easy feat. The timing of it all doesn’t seem to pan out accordingly, but that doesn’t mean you have to call it off entirely. Sometimes we just need to take a minute to reset, reevaluate, and reflect on what is to come. Because sometimes Mister Timing has something far more exciting waiting for you. ❤️
”Be patient. It’ll come. Just you wait and see.” So they all say. Or my favorite cliché of all “you know when you know” I won’t even begin to unpack how unsettling and far off that is. Not today anyway. But I’m curious though. What if it never comes. At least not the way we expect. Let me be bias here for a second just to say I wholeheartedly believe that some people are here on this earth to be alone. Scientifically speaking, there’s not even women to men ratio for everyone to be equally matched anyways. And that’s okay. For not everyone wants to be. Believe it or not some people are happy to be single. And no, they are not always lonely. Being alone and being lonely are two different things. If you don’t believe go check your dear friend google. And here’s another shocker. Some very successful people were alone. Sir Issac Newton, Florence Nightingale, Nikola Tesla, and even our beloved Oprah just to name a few. These people are brilliant. I could name a couple more or list you all the benefits of being alone, but that’s a blog for another day. My point is don’t assume that people who are single are unhappy. Or missing out. Some may be, but the others are just fine.
Love in itself is hard to explain and impossible to quantify. Love means different things to different people. It can be experienced in so many different ways. Reading a book, listening to your favorite song, or taking a hike. Whatever it is that gets your blood pumping and stops your mind from wandering too far. Some get butterflies, some get a spark, some get indigestion. Lol. Whoops!
We place far too much emphasis on romantic situations and not nearly enough on what feeds our souls, drives our passion, and give us complete satisfaction. Yes, it’s great to have life partners, friends, families, etc. But love is not one size fits all. And I believe the universe gives us the love we need that best suits us. Some people crave family and stability because they never experienced that as a child. Some want a big family because they grew up in one and enjoyed it greatly. While others may choose to not have children for many different reasons. And that’s ok too. Whatever the path we choose love can be found in all of it. As long as we bare in mind that life is tricky. Not everything in our lives is forever. Our loved ones may die. Families can sometimes fall apart. And dreams sometimes fall short. That’s life. That’s why we must cherish every moment as if it’s our last because it very well might be. And don’t rush into things. Enjoy however long the universe allows us to have something without all the pressure and heavy expectations. Look at it with the eyes of admiration and bliss. And nothing less. And to those who just don’t know where you fit into all this just know not knowing doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means you still have time to figure it out. To search. To wonder, to question.
If beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, so can love. If you love that job then keep doing it. Love that car? Take care if it. Love having children? Long as you taking care of them it’s fine. Nobody’s business but your own. Just don’t lose focus and don’t compare. Don’t feel intimated by the pressure around you. You don’t need someone to make you happy. Or to feel complete. Because that which you think you are lacking can only be fulfilled by you. If someone does make you happy and whole it’s because you let them. You accepted whatever love they offered. And you can do the same on your own. So, to the lady that doesn’t want kids, it’s ok. To the man in no rush to settle down, that’s cool. And to the young adult who hasn’t yet figured it out, don’t worry about it. And to you, the older version of me. With the life plans ready to go, I see you. I get it. And that’s cool too. Live your life on your own terms. Love to your heart’s content. Whether it’s a dog, a motorcycle, or a food that you just can’t get enough of. No shame. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Own it. Like Ruben Studdard said “who can deny the joy it brings, when you find that special thing. You’re flying without wings”.
Take care. Love hard
#Abandoned but not alone
I wonder sometimes if you’re happy with your decision. To just up and leave. I wonder if you think of us. Or at least her. I wonder if you have a conscience at all or is your heart made of stone. Or you blinded by your own selfishness. Or, just too damn cruel to give a shit. I look at our daughter and she’s so much like you. How could you not want to see her after all you’ve said? Maybe they were all lies. Just empty words instead. I think of all the hard times we’ve faced. And how easier it would have been if you stuck around and did your share. But I’m not mad cause this road has taught me some important life lessons. People aren’t always what they say. Life sucks. It’s downright messy. You’re going to fall and fall so damn hard. Sometimes you’ll be down and have no clue how to get up. You’ll try and try and nothing will work. Then one day God will give you a break. You’ll find the strength you didn’t know existed. You’ll be judged, looked down upon. Isolated, feel less than. You’ll have hungry days and lonely nights. Days of the Great Depression. But you’ll also have some unexpected moments of pure bliss. Your kid will surprise you in so many ways. They will love you like you never or expected and it will all make sense. How can you leave us? That I can never answer. But that road my friend is for you alone. I’ve chosen mine and so have you. Mine is tough and yours might be too. Are you happy? No doubt you are. I am too and so is she. And that’s all that truly matters. All the rest is just life lessons and learning experiences. Maybe one day we get to meet up and talk about the different paths we walked. Until then I won’t waste another minute on what ifs.
Sometimes we worry more about our Christian image than we do people. We don’t want to talk to that person because they look, talk, and believe different than you. They don’t dress the same. They may cuss a little. And we act as though we will be unequally yolked if we associate with them. Let me clear something up. Jesus had to be unequally yolked to save us. Don’t you ever forget where you were when the grace found you. Not everyone that needs to hear the word will be found in the church or a bible study meeting. They will be in the club, they will be on the corner. They will cuss. They will look differently and that’s ok. Jesus died for ALL of us. And this doesn’t give us a free pass to go around condemning people and telling them what we think they ought to do and believe. We are called to love them. You let the Holy Spirit do the conviction. Pray, love, carry on.
That relationship you thought would last is now over. That career you worked so hard for, not as rewarding as you’d hoped. That child you’ve been praying for still haven’t shown up. You’re all prayed out and the bills keep piling. No more tears, but they still keep flowing. You worry and you pray, but nothing hasn’t changed. Is this the end? Where do you go? What do you do? What now? Now that it’s all collapsed. Now that your biggest fear is your reality. I don’t have the answers, but there’s one thing I can guarantee you. Take a deep breathe and know it’ll be ok. You’ll be ok. Doesn’t seem like it now, but I PROMISE you that nasty storm will pass. Will it be quick? Probably not. It can rage on for years. It will get brutal, to say the least. If you think you’re done yet just you wait. And I know, I know… I’m not supposed to be saying this. You’re not here for this. But let you tell you something, sweetheart. Someone got to tell you. I wish I had known that earlier myself. I would have had strength, courage, and way more hope in my stormy time. But listen, the fact that you’re here reading this far means you’ve still got some fight left inside of you. It’s not over yet. It’s not too late. You’re still fighting. You still got hope, courage, strength. All the things you’ll need to keep on going. And that right there is what will determine what you’ll make of this. I can tell you all the stuff you want to hear. Things you’re searching for. But the truth is none of that will prepare you for what is to come. You don’t get strong by hearing fluffy words. And fighting with pillows. You get strong by being knocked out, beat on, forgotten, but still have enough in you to get back up and keep trying. You better toughen up and wipe your nose. Cry, kick, scream, but GET UP!! Yes, life took a turn for the worse. You did not see it coming, but it’s okay. You got this. You’ll win, you will see it through my friend. Now what? I’ll tell you. Now you fight. Fight hard. Now you change, now you try. Now you do! There is a song I like to listen called “conqueror” and the lyrics in it that I cling to says:
“Got a vision that no one else sees
Lot of dirty work, roll up your sleeves
Remember there’s a war out there
So come prepared to fight!“
Let those words season in your spirit and you start fighting! Chin up! You’ll be alright.
Being me is not all it’s cracked up to be. I tell jokes. I cheer people up. I listen and give advise when it’s needed and I always try to be a shoulder in the time of need. My mental strength is truly amazing. My perspective is one like no other. I’m open minded as I can be and my resilience is so strong that it sometimes scares me. It scares me because sometimes I won’t ask for help. I’ll do it all myself because somehow I’ve trained my mind to think that being strong means being there for others and not having others be there for me. I tell people it’s ok to cry and let your emotions run wild for a while but whenever I try I have the hardest time. I listen to stories and I never dare try to judge because I try to put myself in each situation. But do I dare share mine? Of course not! If I show people I’m human and I too need to breathe will they trust that I’m strong enough to help with their needs? Is it ok to put my guards down? Show my scars and tell them I bleed? Or is that too much for them to receive?
Strong people are humans too. And often times are the ones who hurt the most. They are there for everyone except the person that needs it the most, themselves. So, to all you warriors out there fighting for others to feel love, safe, and at ease. I beg you to take sometime to cater to your own needs. Get an outlet to channel all your emotions, passion and dream. Being strong doesn’t mean you can never be weak. It’s ok to have doubts, to fall down, and to need a hand. In this thing called life we all will need someone to confide in, to hold us and tell us just to be. And if they judge you for it then that’s ok. It’s a reflection of them and what they really lack, sincerity, honesty, and just being real. The world needs more authenticity and genuine hearts. We have enough fake ones that make things really hard. Be who you are and be proud and strong. Own your right to be strong, but never deny yourself the opportunity to break. Because when you break you can recreated something bigger, better, and way more beautiful than you could ever imagine. Be brave, be proud, be strong, be human! Be you!!
Sometimes having a good heart can cause you a lot of pain. You win and you lose sometimes in vain. But the hardest battle is letting go of the ones you love. Knowing in your heart there was nothing you could do to prevent it. You’re left with dreams and memories of what was and you wonder to yourself if you are making the right decision. But then this cruel cruel world steps in with its lies, deceit, and black mail. And the wound that was healed is open again. You cry in silence because no one would understand. And the one you long for the most is already gone. All you have now is tiny body of him that you have to nourish, grow, and make sure is kept happy. I guess there’s a tiny bit of hope for everything you lose. Love isn’t always enough but sometimes it’s all you will need.
Sometimes when we go digging in someone’s past we cross lines that can’t be uncrossed and get answers to questions we weren’t ready for. It makes us question everything moving forward. Then we fall into this weird in-between of what we do with the information. It can be hard to digest and get pass. It requires strong and open communication. Feelings will be hurt, tears will be shed, but if you see it through your relationship can actually benefit from it. Just be careful because there can also be serious damage. You might find demons you weren’t prepared to tackle. And now that they are out of the closet you can’t just scoop them back in. What do you do? Decide.. you have to weigh your pros and cons. Long and short term goals. Then you have to decide if you can live with it or if it’s too much. One thing for sure, don’t give the past too much life. It’s the past because it was never working out. The present requires your attention now. Don’t dwell on what you can’t change. Rather try and cultivate a new positive future. Learn from your past, accept things for what they were and leave it there. Love goes on, people change, things get better.