Confessions of a single mom

#Him

#Abandoned but not alone

I wonder sometimes if you’re happy with your decision. To just up and leave. I wonder if you think of us. Or at least her. I wonder if you have a conscience at all or is your heart made of stone. Or you blinded by your own selfishness. Or, just too damn cruel to give a shit. I look at our daughter and she’s so much like you. How could you not want to see her after all you’ve said? Maybe they were all lies. Just empty words instead. I think of all the hard times we’ve faced. And how easier it would have been if you stuck around and did your share. But I’m not mad cause this road has taught me some important life lessons. People aren’t always what they say. Life sucks. It’s downright messy. You’re going to fall and fall so damn hard. Sometimes you’ll be down and have no clue how to get up. You’ll try and try and nothing will work. Then one day God will give you a break. You’ll find the strength you didn’t know existed. You’ll be judged, looked down upon. Isolated, feel less than. You’ll have hungry days and lonely nights. Days of the Great Depression. But you’ll also have some unexpected moments of pure bliss. Your kid will surprise you in so many ways. They will love you like you never or expected and it will all make sense. How can you leave us? That I can never answer. But that road my friend is for you alone. I’ve chosen mine and so have you. Mine is tough and yours might be too. Are you happy? No doubt you are. I am too and so is she. And that’s all that truly matters. All the rest is just life lessons and learning experiences. Maybe one day we get to meet up and talk about the different paths we walked. Until then I won’t waste another minute on what ifs.

What now?!

That relationship you thought would last is now over. That career you worked so hard for, not as rewarding as you’d hoped. That child you’ve been praying for still haven’t shown up. You’re all prayed out and the bills keep piling. No more tears, but they still keep flowing. You worry and you pray, but nothing hasn’t changed. Is this the end? Where do you go? What do you do? What now? Now that it’s all collapsed. Now that your biggest fear is your reality. I don’t have the answers, but there’s one thing I can guarantee you. Take a deep breathe and know it’ll be ok. You’ll be ok. Doesn’t seem like it now, but I PROMISE you that nasty storm will pass. Will it be quick? Probably not. It can rage on for years. It will get brutal, to say the least. If you think you’re done yet just you wait. And I know, I know… I’m not supposed to be saying this. You’re not here for this. But let you tell you something, sweetheart. Someone got to tell you. I wish I had known that earlier myself. I would have had strength, courage, and way more hope in my stormy time. But listen, the fact that you’re here reading this far means you’ve still got some fight left inside of you. It’s not over yet. It’s not too late. You’re still fighting. You still got hope, courage, strength. All the things you’ll need to keep on going. And that right there is what will determine what you’ll make of this. I can tell you all the stuff you want to hear. Things you’re searching for. But the truth is none of that will prepare you for what is to come. You don’t get strong by hearing fluffy words. And fighting with pillows. You get strong by being knocked out, beat on, forgotten, but still have enough in you to get back up and keep trying. You better toughen up and wipe your nose. Cry, kick, scream, but GET UP!! Yes, life took a turn for the worse. You did not see it coming, but it’s okay. You got this. You’ll win, you will see it through my friend. Now what? I’ll tell you. Now you fight. Fight hard. Now you change, now you try. Now you do! There is a song I like to listen called “conqueror” and the lyrics in it that I cling to says:

Got a vision that no one else sees
Lot of dirty work, roll up your sleeves
Remember there’s a war out there
So come prepared to fight!

Let those words season in your spirit and you start fighting! Chin up! You’ll be alright.

The real deal

Being me is not all it’s cracked up to be. I tell jokes. I cheer people up. I listen and give advise when it’s needed and I always try to be a shoulder in the time of need. My mental strength is truly amazing. My perspective is one like no other. I’m open minded as I can be and my resilience is so strong that it sometimes scares me. It scares me because sometimes I won’t ask for help. I’ll do it all myself because somehow I’ve trained my mind to think that being strong means being there for others and not having others be there for me. I tell people it’s ok to cry and let your emotions run wild for a while but whenever I try I have the hardest time. I listen to stories and I never dare try to judge because I try to put myself in each situation. But do I dare share mine? Of course not! If I show people I’m human and I too need to breathe will they trust that I’m strong enough to help with their needs? Is it ok to put my guards down? Show my scars and tell them I bleed? Or is that too much for them to receive?

Strong people are humans too. And often times are the ones who hurt the most. They are there for everyone except the person that needs it the most, themselves. So, to all you warriors out there fighting for others to feel love, safe, and at ease. I beg you to take sometime to cater to your own needs. Get an outlet to channel all your emotions, passion and dream. Being strong doesn’t mean you can never be weak. It’s ok to have doubts, to fall down, and to need a hand. In this thing called life we all will need someone to confide in, to hold us and tell us just to be. And if they judge you for it then that’s ok. It’s a reflection of them and what they really lack, sincerity, honesty, and just being real. The world needs more authenticity and genuine hearts. We have enough fake ones that make things really hard. Be who you are and be proud and strong. Own your right to be strong, but never deny yourself the opportunity to break. Because when you break you can recreated something bigger, better, and way more beautiful than you could ever imagine. Be brave, be proud, be strong, be human! Be you!!

Life of the party

Sometimes having a good heart can cause you a lot of pain. You win and you lose sometimes in vain. But the hardest battle is letting go of the ones you love. Knowing in your heart there was nothing you could do to prevent it. You’re left with dreams and memories of what was and you wonder to yourself if you are making the right decision. But then this cruel cruel world steps in with its lies, deceit, and black mail. And the wound that was healed is open again. You cry in silence because no one would understand. And the one you long for the most is already gone. All you have now is tiny body of him that you have to nourish, grow, and make sure is kept happy. I guess there’s a tiny bit of hope for everything you lose. Love isn’t always enough but sometimes it’s all you will need.

Truth or lie

Normally I have a thirst to unveil the truth. Because I always feel there’s more to a story and if you get to the root of where it all started then it’s possible to fix what was broken. However, I’ve realized that not all truths need to be uncovered. Somethings are better left buried. Sometimes people have to die with their demons. It’s the only way to protect the innocent. The guilty will be punished and the wages of that is death. Now, that death comes in many different ways. Your finances, your relationships, your hopes and dreams, and sometimes your inner most sincere wish. There’s always a price to pay for the things we do, ALWAYS. And sometimes when the load gets heavy and we feel burdened we go in search of help. We prey on the innocent for comfort, warmth, compassion, love, and peace. All the things our guilty hearts and minds crave and lack. We latch on and we suck. We try to fill that void. And for a minute it will work. But soon or later the facade will fall and your truth will be revealed. And your punishment… begins. It’s quick and swift. It’s harsh. It hits hard. It’s unexpected and sudden. Your guard was down so now you’re bleeding and you don’t know how to make it stop. You’ve never bled before. Cause you’ve always been dead on the inside.. until now. And that pain is also new. You’re lost, confused, and your hope. Your safe haven, vanished. What will you do now? Find another victim? Or, finally face your truth? Your destiny? How long must you run? Where will you go? There’s no one to save you. And now. You’re in a corner. Forced to choose, the truth, or another lie…??? You decide… karma is watching. Your fate is in your own hands. Choose wisely!

Crossing over

Sometimes when we go digging in someone’s past we cross lines that can’t be uncrossed and get answers to questions we weren’t ready for. It makes us question everything moving forward. Then we fall into this weird in-between of what we do with the information. It can be hard to digest and get pass. It requires strong and open communication. Feelings will be hurt, tears will be shed, but if you see it through your relationship can actually benefit from it. Just be careful because there can also be serious damage. You might find demons you weren’t prepared to tackle. And now that they are out of the closet you can’t just scoop them back in. What do you do? Decide.. you have to weigh your pros and cons. Long and short term goals. Then you have to decide if you can live with it or if it’s too much. One thing for sure, don’t give the past too much life. It’s the past because it was never working out. The present requires your attention now. Don’t dwell on what you can’t change. Rather try and cultivate a new positive future. Learn from your past, accept things for what they were and leave it there. Love goes on, people change, things get better.

You see 20 I see a miracle

It might seem like an ordinary $20 bill to you, but really, this is the hand of God! Let’s explore the story behind the magic 20!

Struggling single mom at rock bottom. Just started working. No paycheck yet. Daycare bill due, babysitter needs to be paid. Baby needs diapers and wipes! Child support came in but only to get taken out because of overdrawn account. Why is there babysitter and a daycare? Because this mom needs to work two jobs to try and catch up. With mom in training and no cash coming in. The car she gets to borrow suddenly needs gas. With a very important doctor’s appointment early in the morning,, the car is on yellow. Oops, the gas light is on. What will she do? A trusted friend, one she says nothing to called her aside as they hand the keys over to her. “Here you will need money for gas”. So shocked by the gesture she whispered a prayer. How did they know? Was it all a big guess or was God in the middle of this very awful test? Now, mom can bring the child to the doctor’s appointment and make it work until Friday ( first payday). To God be the glory, great things he hath done.

The stigma behind single parents is often so subtle. We turn our eye on the single mom of three in the store swiping her ent card ( food stamp). We don’t know her story, but we still start to judge. Or what about the one outside having a cigarette? How dare her smoke when her kids need a coke… But little do we know she’s been trying so hard, and so many doors keep closing on her. That cigarette she’s smoking is the one last straw between keeping it together and losing her sanity. Everyone has unhealthy coping mechanisms, but why is it so easy to judge the ones that are already at the bottom? And why should you care? You didn’t get her pregnant. She should have known to get married and choose someone more suitable. Because people never change and marriage is such a guarantee that everything will be peachy fine. The truth is we don’t know her story and never stopped to listen. And I can bet you she doesn’t need your pity only your respect and sometimes a little help. Children are the future and if your child so instead of judging their parents, give a helping hand if possible. It’s the little things we do that make this world a better place. You don’t have to pay their rent or buy them a car to be of huge help to someone. The smallest of gestures often lead to the biggest impacts in our lives.

Suicidal note..

“If you are feeling suicidal please reach out for help” the biggest lie we ever say. People who are suicidal are not going to reach out for help. They’ve reached out countless times before they got to that part. But this cruel cruel world just turns their backs. The love they give and people they’ve helped are nowhere to be found when they need it in return. “Check on your strong friends” we quote so cleverly. But are we actually doing it? Can you tell if your friend is acting off? Do you follow your intuition as they do theirs when to come to your rescue? Suicidal thoughts are fast and strong. Your emotions are numb and your heart has already stopped beating. There’s nothing but overwhelming pain that you want to end. It doesn’t matter how or by whom. You would pay someone to do it if you could. How can you reach out when you don’t want to talk? When you can’t find the words to express the million fake questions that will be thrown at you. And why bother explaining when they won’t even understand. Sometimes death seems so much better than being hurt over and over till you have no more ache to ache.

Mental health is a crucial part of what makes us whole. And often times so many of us take it for granted, but for some, we aren’t so lucky. We struggle on the daily. We try really hard, but it just never seems like it’s enough. More and more we hear about celebrities who just couldn’t go on any further and we think for a little bit “maybe this is really bad”. But.. instead of doing another hashtag how about making an active difference to do some reading. To call or visit a friend, to take the time to really check in on someone. Sometimes that can make all the difference. And for those who are suffering, I feel you. I’ve been you. I love you, and I care! You are amazing, wonderful, and your life is worthy!!!

It’s ok to feel..

How do we heal from what we can’t talk about? How do we move on when we are too afraid to process and heal? What makes us think we can live with our pains? That we’ve somehow got a handle on things? This thing called life is tricky and ever-changing. In order to enjoy and live, we must first adapt to our ever-changing environment. So what happens when we numb our emotions? When we are too afraid to feel? Are we living or merely coping And how long does this last? Can you go through life living in suppression or does it all unfold slowly?

Here’s what I think. Don’t let yourself get too numb. It’s ok to bleed, it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to hurt for a little while. Eventually, life will work itself out. You just have to be open to change, adaptation, and growth. And eventually, you’ll see that the things we didn’t want to feel are all important parts of our puzzle. You’ll be whole again and things will finally make sense.