Hold up ✋🏽 wait a minute 🚫

Excuse me let me brag a minute on God!!! for about a year now I’ve been STRUGGLING at my job. And I mean STRUGGLE. Don’t get me wrong, I do what I need to do and I’m pretty good at my job. At least so I’ve been told. However, I don’t FEEEL IT! A little background on me. I do stuff from the heart. If it’s not fulfilling to my soul and my spirit I don’t care to do it. Anyways, I found myself in the field that I am in through God! And I say this because I would have not given it a second thought. I had a one-track mind to Clinical Psychology until God gave me a detour. More on that another time. Anyways, my first year in this field, ABA, was good. And for those who don’t know what ABA means it means Applied Behavior Analysis. I do one on one therapy sessions with children on the Autism spectrum. This means I deal with a lot of maladaptive or problematic behaviors that impede learning or everyday task. I deal with things like kicking, screaming, spitting, biting, headbanging, etc on a daily basis. And if you have never dealt with any of this, let me be the first to tell you it can be physically and emotionally exhausting.

Currently, I’m two years in approaching the 3rd and I’ve been completely checked out. I’ve been doing it and doing a good job. But have not been FEELING it! The joy and spark I once had id now gone. My heart has not been in it. And if there is one thing I pride myself on is fulfillment. If my heart is not involved then my passion and drive to do something is non existent. I have lost my sense of purpose and have been on cruise control this entire year. I have been experiencing quite a bit of turbulence but it never occurred to me to pull over and check the engine light of my heart until now. And had I not pull over I would have never realized I was running on E this entire time. Luckily for me, Jesus himself was at my pit stop and gave me a beautiful reminder of just how great and wonderful he is. And no matter how far we drift he is ALWAYS willing to meet us wherever and whenever we need him. Let me explain to you just how he showed up and showed out for me.

I was at work in my office with my morning client. He seems to be having a rough day. He’s been having a bit of a rough time for a couple of weeks now and my supervisor and I have been brainstorming ideas back and forth on how best to handle this. Today out of nowhere my perspective just SHIFTED. Ideas started to flow to me. My anxiety about the situation became so light to the point of nonexistent. I looked out my office window at the sky and allowed the brightness of it to radiate in my soul. And that’s when I realize that I haven’t just checked out in my job. But I checked out in every area of my life.

See, a year ago I started this journey. It’s titled “my year off from God” bold uh? Yeah. And before you start to judge let me just stop you and tell you this. It is MY journey. I had questions and I needed answers. Often times we have doubts and questions and are too afraid to find out. Well, I wanted to really test my faith so I decided to live life a year without totally depending on God and see what would happen. As a result, I prayed less, seldom read my bible and attend church. My relationship with him was not as strong. And life taught me all the lessons it wanted to. Want to know what I found out? That my joy, my happiness, my strength, my resilience, and my peace ALL comes from HIM. I am ABSOLUTELY NOTHING without his grace and mercy. The peace that surpasses all understanding only comes when I’m close to him. And when I am not I am nothing but an ordinary girl. And not a nice one at that. I was grumpy, I was mean and selfish. But with him, I am so much more. I am considerate, gentle, kind, loving, and pleasant to be around.

As I stood in my office. I started to look at my client differently. My mindset instantly shifted from ”listen to me and do as I say” to ”how best can I help you understand?” I was suddenly more patient and understanding. And I remembered the reason I stayed in this field is to help others the way he’s been helping me. To extend the same grace, love, forgiveness, patience, and compassion he was giving me all these years. My gratitude immediately returned. I felt blessed to be able to influence and change the lives of these individuals I came across. I felt like a vessel once again. And that’s when I knew my year off was completed.

Back track to few weeks when I had started praying and reading my Bible. And it was a little under two days ago I woke up with a task. I felt burdened. I got up and I prayed. I prayed for the things that were on my heart at the time. And I also prayed for things I knew not about. That prayer allowed him to fix all the things I never thought to think about like my job, my clients, my ways, my perspective. And that is the kind of God we serve. He answers your desires and then some. So, today I leave you with this. Trust in him with all YOUR heart and lean NOT to your own understanding because at any given time he might stop by with a grand surprise that will leave you in pure bliss.

Resilient or not??

Resilience. What sets us apart? The great debate between nature vs nature has summed it all up under two umbrellas. But… what if there are factors we have yet to consider? Factors that should not be summed up as one but explored as individual factors. Factors such as beliefs, mindset, and willpower. Maybe it’s not a nature vs nature debate. Maybe, it’s factors, age, maturity, and perspective. Maybe it’s what we want and how hard we are willing to fight for it. Maybe we are made differently, obviously. Our DNS’s are different. We experience the world differently. We are raised and taught differently. Our circumstances are different, our reactions are different. They are individualized according to who we are. So why is it that we sum up the most important if questions with just two answers, when the answer itself changes, varies, and is tricky. Are we taught resilience? Do we grow into it? Are we born predisposed? Absolutely! But that’s not enough. Some of us do learn, and some never do. But why? What makes it so hard. Is life more unfair to some? Or is it simply how we see and experience it that shapes the outcome? I believe so. I think mindset and will power are two of the most important qualities needed for resilience. But how do we get them? As we grow. As we experience. As we live. As we do. And coping skills also play a huge part. We learn to cope in different ways. Some people write, some people sing. Some of us smoke, drink, or simply ignore. None of which is right or wrong only said individual can determine what works and what doesn’t. It becomes right or wrong if it’s not working and is actually causing said person more harm than good. Resilience is tricky. And it changes. We may even call it different things. But truth be told, we are all resilient in different ways. Some just find it sooner than others and some have a little more than others according to their circumstances. So, the next time you are feeling a little defeated and you think “man I wish I was as resilient as that person” just look yourself in the eye and say “damn it I am”. You got this! You can overcome and you will. Think back to a time when you were a complete badass and own that feeling. You’ll be just fine, I promise! Dig deep, believe, and get it done. I believe in you!

Master reset

Time. The one thing we can’t seem to get enough of. Yet we never seem to know how to make the most of. Timing, the teaser of it all. It shows up with unexpected things like pain, regret, doubts, and a bunch of what ifs. We never seem to know if we are getting it right or not. We go with the flow as best as we can. Until the flow stops and we are forced to reconsider. To question, to try again. And Dear Ole Time seems to always be the center of it all. Our dreams and life goals are set on a time schedule of when we think we ought to accomplish them. But what when Dear Ole Time says otherwise? Do we scramble around in panic mode? Do we question our worth, our effort, and all our other accomplishments? What if the thing you wanted the most don’t show up when you expected it to? Did Dear Ole Mister Time rob you once more?

The answer is no! Things rarely go accordingly to plan. Life is tricky and it’s constantly changing. As players in this game adaptability will be our greatest friend. We have to learn to let go and stop getting stuck on how we believe things ought to be. We are no master of time, that is not our job. We can set dreams, make goals, and work towards them. But never ever get bent out of shape if they start to change. If the timing is haywire then just try to keep up. Don’t question all you’ve done. You worked extremely hard to get where you are and that was no easy feat. The timing of it all doesn’t seem to pan out accordingly, but that doesn’t mean you have to call it off entirely. Sometimes we just need to take a minute to reset, reevaluate, and reflect on what is to come. Because sometimes Mister Timing has something far more exciting waiting for you. ❤️

What if??

Do you know what it’s like to have a song on replay for days at a time because the lyrics resonate so deep in your soul? Or trying to convince yourself that’s it’s no longer worth the pain to put yourself out there. To believe that not everyone was not meant to find someone. Mmmm well, what if they weren’t? What if I tell you that not everyone will find someone? What if I tell you that the only person you truly need is yourself and self-love is the purest and most desired? Sounds cliche I know. But really it is as simple and straight forward as that. The sad part is, only a few have truly grasped the concept of self-love. Only some find real happiness in spending quality time trying to figure out who they truly are. And not very many know what they really want or is bold enough to demand or seek it. Just think how different the world would be if women were less self-conscious and men weren’t expected to show real genuine emotions. If gender roles, stereotypes and double standards were nothing but a thing of the past. If society didn’t try to sell us on what exactly an appropriate and happy lifestyle is. Now I’m not saying we don’t need general rules like stop light and brakes. Don’t get too crazy now. I’m saying if people weren’t sold into these lies and illusions about how to live THIER lives then the world would be a much better place.

Confessions of a single mom

#Him

#Abandoned but not alone

I wonder sometimes if you’re happy with your decision. To just up and leave. I wonder if you think of us. Or at least her. I wonder if you have a conscience at all or is your heart made of stone. Or you blinded by your own selfishness. Or, just too damn cruel to give a shit. I look at our daughter and she’s so much like you. How could you not want to see her after all you’ve said? Maybe they were all lies. Just empty words instead. I think of all the hard times we’ve faced. And how easier it would have been if you stuck around and did your share. But I’m not mad cause this road has taught me some important life lessons. People aren’t always what they say. Life sucks. It’s downright messy. You’re going to fall and fall so damn hard. Sometimes you’ll be down and have no clue how to get up. You’ll try and try and nothing will work. Then one day God will give you a break. You’ll find the strength you didn’t know existed. You’ll be judged, looked down upon. Isolated, feel less than. You’ll have hungry days and lonely nights. Days of the Great Depression. But you’ll also have some unexpected moments of pure bliss. Your kid will surprise you in so many ways. They will love you like you never or expected and it will all make sense. How can you leave us? That I can never answer. But that road my friend is for you alone. I’ve chosen mine and so have you. Mine is tough and yours might be too. Are you happy? No doubt you are. I am too and so is she. And that’s all that truly matters. All the rest is just life lessons and learning experiences. Maybe one day we get to meet up and talk about the different paths we walked. Until then I won’t waste another minute on what ifs.

What now?!

That relationship you thought would last is now over. That career you worked so hard for, not as rewarding as you’d hoped. That child you’ve been praying for still haven’t shown up. You’re all prayed out and the bills keep piling. No more tears, but they still keep flowing. You worry and you pray, but nothing hasn’t changed. Is this the end? Where do you go? What do you do? What now? Now that it’s all collapsed. Now that your biggest fear is your reality. I don’t have the answers, but there’s one thing I can guarantee you. Take a deep breathe and know it’ll be ok. You’ll be ok. Doesn’t seem like it now, but I PROMISE you that nasty storm will pass. Will it be quick? Probably not. It can rage on for years. It will get brutal, to say the least. If you think you’re done yet just you wait. And I know, I know… I’m not supposed to be saying this. You’re not here for this. But let you tell you something, sweetheart. Someone got to tell you. I wish I had known that earlier myself. I would have had strength, courage, and way more hope in my stormy time. But listen, the fact that you’re here reading this far means you’ve still got some fight left inside of you. It’s not over yet. It’s not too late. You’re still fighting. You still got hope, courage, strength. All the things you’ll need to keep on going. And that right there is what will determine what you’ll make of this. I can tell you all the stuff you want to hear. Things you’re searching for. But the truth is none of that will prepare you for what is to come. You don’t get strong by hearing fluffy words. And fighting with pillows. You get strong by being knocked out, beat on, forgotten, but still have enough in you to get back up and keep trying. You better toughen up and wipe your nose. Cry, kick, scream, but GET UP!! Yes, life took a turn for the worse. You did not see it coming, but it’s okay. You got this. You’ll win, you will see it through my friend. Now what? I’ll tell you. Now you fight. Fight hard. Now you change, now you try. Now you do! There is a song I like to listen called “conqueror” and the lyrics in it that I cling to says:

Got a vision that no one else sees
Lot of dirty work, roll up your sleeves
Remember there’s a war out there
So come prepared to fight!

Let those words season in your spirit and you start fighting! Chin up! You’ll be alright.

Truth or lie

Normally I have a thirst to unveil the truth. Because I always feel there’s more to a story and if you get to the root of where it all started then it’s possible to fix what was broken. However, I’ve realized that not all truths need to be uncovered. Somethings are better left buried. Sometimes people have to die with their demons. It’s the only way to protect the innocent. The guilty will be punished and the wages of that is death. Now, that death comes in many different ways. Your finances, your relationships, your hopes and dreams, and sometimes your inner most sincere wish. There’s always a price to pay for the things we do, ALWAYS. And sometimes when the load gets heavy and we feel burdened we go in search of help. We prey on the innocent for comfort, warmth, compassion, love, and peace. All the things our guilty hearts and minds crave and lack. We latch on and we suck. We try to fill that void. And for a minute it will work. But soon or later the facade will fall and your truth will be revealed. And your punishment… begins. It’s quick and swift. It’s harsh. It hits hard. It’s unexpected and sudden. Your guard was down so now you’re bleeding and you don’t know how to make it stop. You’ve never bled before. Cause you’ve always been dead on the inside.. until now. And that pain is also new. You’re lost, confused, and your hope. Your safe haven, vanished. What will you do now? Find another victim? Or, finally face your truth? Your destiny? How long must you run? Where will you go? There’s no one to save you. And now. You’re in a corner. Forced to choose, the truth, or another lie…??? You decide… karma is watching. Your fate is in your own hands. Choose wisely!

Crossing over

Sometimes when we go digging in someone’s past we cross lines that can’t be uncrossed and get answers to questions we weren’t ready for. It makes us question everything moving forward. Then we fall into this weird in-between of what we do with the information. It can be hard to digest and get pass. It requires strong and open communication. Feelings will be hurt, tears will be shed, but if you see it through your relationship can actually benefit from it. Just be careful because there can also be serious damage. You might find demons you weren’t prepared to tackle. And now that they are out of the closet you can’t just scoop them back in. What do you do? Decide.. you have to weigh your pros and cons. Long and short term goals. Then you have to decide if you can live with it or if it’s too much. One thing for sure, don’t give the past too much life. It’s the past because it was never working out. The present requires your attention now. Don’t dwell on what you can’t change. Rather try and cultivate a new positive future. Learn from your past, accept things for what they were and leave it there. Love goes on, people change, things get better.

How to turn your lemons into lemonade

So many people talk about when life hands you lemons you make lemonade.. well, nobody talks about how you go about doing that. So let’s get real frank about it. Life’s a bitch. Straight up. And there’s no clear pattern to it either. Sometimes it’s you, the choices you make. Karma, luck, destiny, whatever it is you call it. And sometimes it’s not. Sometimes things happen for no good rhyme or reason. I strongly believe that.

Now.. when things happen you just have to make the very best of it. Ain’t no way around it. And that’s honestly where the make lemonade from lemons cliche boils down to. You can sit and wallow in all your what ifs but I can guarantee you that won’t change the situation. The only thing you can change is how you deal with it. You can be as happy or as sad as you want just from your perspective alone. Every situation as an upside. You just have to find it. And it doesn’t have to be something big. For example, somebody breaks your heart and I know I know it sucksss. You want to cry for months. Your whole life is over and you can’t breathe. Been there. Now you can stay in your room cry, lose weight from not eating, isolate yourself and the full works. Or… you can look at the fact that you were able to love. Which means you can do it again. Will it be easy? Heck no! But if that’s what you want then don’t give up on it. Now there’s nothing wrong with having a good cry and taking the time to process and heal. Just don’t sit and pity yourself forever. Find the positive no matter how small or difficult it is to find and then make it work. Make your lemonade. That’s it. Now, this does require daily practice so start by finding one good thing out of your day every day and slowly you’ll get there. And before you know it you’ll have a while lemonade stash. 😉